Saturday, December 11, 2010

Random Thoughts About Homosexuality

Last October 31, 2010, I posted a different halloween message at my wall in Facebook saying:

"I'm a gay guy who hates being treated like a gay. I have embraced the sexuality but not have fully embraced the lifestyle. I have classified what's gay and what's straight in my life. That's just how I am. THAT'S HOW I HAVE DEFINED IT. Accept it or better get out of my life. And that's my halloween message =)".

Today, I wanted to write about my thoughts on this. I have realized my blog is now being followed by a few people I know, and aside from that, I am meeting new people in my life and this is the easier way for me to tell my side on this matter. I'm also thinking that there may be some people who can relate and put their thoughts on this. I have wrote entries in my old blogs about this in the past but this time, I want to put it on a different perspective.

I have realized that I am gay when I was 22 years old. Yeah, late bloomer. Story was, eve of my birthday, was scrolling channels on my tv, have nothing to do, no work, bored, and can't find a good tv program. I chanced upon a channel that shows people looking for textmates, you know, those you see in any cable programs. And believe me, never did I spend a  minute on this channel before. That night, it was like my finger got stuck to the remote control.

There, I saw a message saying, "Looking for textmates" together with the mobile number. Out of boredom, out of curiosity, I took the number and sent a message to the owner. An instant reply came from a guy name Jeff. Twas a surprise to know that it was a guy's number. The exchange of texts became very interesting until we decided to just talk over the phone. Topics were very General Patronage in which I appreciated.

I can't believe, that on my 22nd birthday, a grand transformation was about to happen. The first person to greet me on my birthday was a stranger. Nice! Then, we decided to meet and talk face-to-face the same morning. I wasn't feeling anything but the curiosity of meeting a gay guy. I was so hooked with his stories and got interested on his lifestyle, but not on the guy.

Since then, we became good friends. I started to witness a lifestyle of a gay guy. Jeff was not the parlorista type by the way. He's tall, long hair, slim, nocturnal, always alive at night, and vocal about being sexually active. But he was respectful to me and because of that, I am thankful of. He's not selfish to tell his stories, how the lifestyle is. And we were so comfortable with each other. In short, he was my tour guide slash "ina magenta" of my gay life.

Kung may sisisihin, siya ang salarin. Haha!

And this is Jeff!

Then, there it was, I have witnessed the lifestyle, got interested on it, and made a decision to embrace it. No one pushed me. But I made strict choices about my new lifestyle. I have selected certain practices according to my principles in life.

That is not to embrace the active sex life because I am scared of the rampant spread of aids and besides, I am not really a sexual person. I really don't find self-fulfillment in counting how many guys you have hooked up with. It's a non-sense. Not to be surrounded by so many people like me because I've seen how they can be disrespectful at times. Too bad birds of the same feather are not easy to be trusted most especially those who are very lustful. But not all.

Not to be the parlorista type and remain in tact with my masculinity because I love the way it is. In short, my gay lifestyle is defined according to my values and principles, not by the norms of the society or dictated by someone else.

Up to today, I don't speak nor understand gay language and that's why a few people still believe that I am just pretending to be gay. I don't have a "gaydar". I still find difficulty identifying who's gay. Maybe because I really don't care who's who, and if given a chance, I would advise someone not to be gay if just pressured by peers. I am also not attracted to straight guys. 

I always feel awkward when surrounded by gays. For some reason, I don't feel comfortable when there are gay people that I don't know that are around me. I'm not an avid fan of gay clubs. My fridays and saturdays are not dedicated to attend parties or dance in the club. I also have few gay friends. I'm usually stuck with girl friends. Mostly moms. I guess because I'm a mama's boy, I'm just very comfortable with moms.

I don't dress like a fabulous loud gay guy. My fashion standard is always for the straight guy fashion. Those cool but not so chic. But I'm not the closet-type of gay as well. I am not hiding. People at work knows that I am gay and I'm proud of it, and wanting to set a new standard for gay guys. When having a good time, and being teased on a common form, I just smile. Just to say I am not that.

And you will never see any gay act from me at work.

When I was a kid, I was not addicted to any barbie or any doll. But I am already feeling a little different inside of me but I kept on ignoring it. Because I know, it was wrong, it was not normal and I won't want to get in to that, so I fought that feeling. I was determined to actually fight it. I kept my focus at the church where I was serving. That was my way of dealing with it. And that time, I felt safe.

Until that day came, everything turned different. In my family, my mom and my sister knows it, I'm not just sure about my dad. But I don't care so much. I feel, there's nothing wrong with me. I have proven myself already to my parents and there's nothing I do in my life that is illegal. I am professional, I am discreet, I am respected, I'm an achiever, and I'm proud to say that I have kept my values intact. Dignity matters to me a lot.

I hate being called "bakla", or bading", or "gay", or "girl". I think branding is unfair. I have a good name that can be used to call or identify me. And besides, I believe that I am a guy who is just living a gay lifestyle. So in short, I am still a guy. There are just two sexes made in this world. Guy and a Girl. We just have different lifestyles. But actually, through time, I have gotten used to it. I just simply ignore the callings.

But if only it is possible, I still want to be treated as a straight guy.

This is who I am. No one defined me but myself. That's according to what I want, what I believe in life, and what makes me happy. And I think, that's what everyone should do. No one can discriminate someone according to what he/she wants to live his/her life. Because this is our life. No one owns it but you yourself. So it's all up to us to define how we want our life to be, and how we want other people see our life in their perspective.

Society nowadays may still be unfair, but it has become more open compare to the society we had before. I am blessed to be loved who I am. Most especially, respected for being gay. I did not just get it. I have earned it. And I did that by the way I have lived my life. And thanks to the company I work with also for having a strong support in diversity.

It's not about being gay that makes me enjoy life. It's not about the sexuality, nor the gender, but how your lifestyle is. The choices you make in living your life makes it up. 

Today, Jeff and I remained good friends. I treasure him in my life because he is a very important person in my grand transition. We may not see each other most of the time now, but he is always in my heart. I am thankful for sharing his life to me and became my standard for this lifestyle.

I will continue living my life according to what Von Viajero wants it to be. We only live once, whether you live it as a straight guy or a gay guy, make the most out of it. Life has too many reasons to be enjoyed with. Living la vida loca!!!

No comments: